Confession

Confession Time.

Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaak.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I fear the opinion of man and run from Truth when it appears finding it will bring me into contention with the greater faith community. It has been ten minutes since my last worthy confession and it will probably be another ten before my next…”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 So, I’m considering applying for credentials… with The Missionary Church… again.

GASP!

Yeah, I don’t know that I can believe it myself. And the real problem is that the more I look at this application (with in all reality appears to not have been revised since Solomon Eby first parted the St. Joseph river to make way for Daniel Brenneman’s community to meet him in the middle) the more I find that I really just don’t jive with the denomination I belong to and have belonged to for my entire life. They ask about my view on Revelation and how to interpret it: they’re dispensational; I’m not (whoops!). They affirm the reality and necessity of an eternally conscious punishment in a physiospiritual environment for the unrepentant and unverbally committed to the name Jesus Christ, I don’t (you’re goin’ ta hale!). They acknowledge a nationalistic approach to social responsibility and put forth political rhetoric in favor/denial of one candidate for any particular position over others, I can’t (irresponsible!). They ask for affirmation of veterans and soldiers on special national days who served for the cause of the nation they were born in and went to fight for against people who just happened to be born in some other country who happened to dislike this one for some ungodly reason, I won’t (TREASON!). And the more and more I wrestle with these beliefs- some core, some not- the more and more afraid I am to teach through the lens of them. The more overwhelmed I get at the thought of someone finding out about my pacificity, or national withdrawl, or annihilationist leaning. The more convinced I am that if I am honest about them, the honest pursuit and sincere arrival at the validity of them, the more dissociated I and my family will become and the more friends I will lose.

Because that’s what happens when we put greater value on the belief rubric people hold than on the people holding them. That’s what happens when we view everyone through the lens of a theology exam, passing or failing them and creating our relationships thusly. And that’s what happens more often than not in the American Church, which sometimes can be more in love with being right than in love with her heavenly Groom, Savior, King, and Friend.

And I don’t know what to do about it now that I stare at this exam again, wondering if it’s even worth filling out. Wondering if the men and women who founded this particular brand of Christianity would even pass it anymore- but I digress.

I’m scared. And I confess that I’m scared. Being alone terrifies me, and being shunned even more so. I love God. I love Jesus. I love the Kingdom. I love the story He’s woven together and the depth and complexity of it all. I love the subtleties and the obvious intermixed in the lives of men and women who were more in the dark than we today about what God was up to, and how they trusted Him anyway. They didn’t have to have it figured out. They didn’t have to pin down every individuals approach to hell and eternal damnation. They didn’t have to understand the book of Revelation (and not just because it hadn’t yet been written for any of them yet to read!) Why do we make it so complicated? Why do we make it so freaking hard for the people around us to experience intimacy with their Creator? Why do we build more walls and raise more bars than Jesus did? Did He not chastise the Pharisees for burdening the people with standards God did not supply? Asking them to live up to a righteousness God did not demand?

That’s the amazing thing, you see, that the more we read the stories, and the more we experience our own with Him, the more we find Him asking us to trust Him much more often than to achieve His expectations. We find Him much more often wanting us to spend time with Him than quizzing us to find out if any paganism had rubbed off on us at Wal Mart yesterday. The more we find Him ignoring what we thought was important, and revealing what He thinks is important, and how wildly different the two are most times. The more we find Him simplifying Himself in the same breath as we complicate Him. The more we find Him incarnated and visible, standing next to us even as we stare at the heavens and recite words begging Him to show Himself.

So now we get back to it. And I just want to remain honest. It’s in honestly that intimacy grows. It’s in honesty that we know God and know love. So… perhaps I’ll get shut out again (If I go through with this whole credentialing thing) and perhaps not. My opinions and beliefs and values will change over time just as much as they have this far in my nearly 25 years. I hope we’ll grant others the same grace to let theirs also. Until then, to Hell with orthodoxy (If there is such a thing), give me Jesus.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned…